Guess Who’s Back.

Back again.

I’m gonna try to write a post a week here. Don’t know what the post will be about but I’ll just jot random things into a book through the week and see where that gets me in terms of post ideas.

So yeah. Hopefully this is sustained than… just about anything else I’ve ever attempted on my own.

Advertisements
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Overcompensating For The Size Of My Ego.

I was late on the update for this week, so I shall write 2 posts in penance.

Ok, the first thing I need to do here is stop making it seem like this is a punishment for myself. I enjoy writing, I may not necessarily be good at it but I enjoy it. So I write, and when I write I feel slightly better. I don’t always know what I’m going to write about when I sit down and start writing, but I do it anyway, because. Well, because I like writing. As you can tell, my vocabulary in this topic is extensive. Like, really extensive, especially when talking about how much I like writing. Cos I like writing a lot. Like, a lot a lot.

Urgh, that last paragraph disgusts me.

So today is the last day that I am going to have the freedoms afforded to those who are useless members of society (read: unemployed) and with that comes a lot of mixed emotions. I will no longer have all the free time in the world to do what I want. I will no longer be on my own clock with regards to how I carry out my day, in what order, and what I do with the hours of the day that can actually be seen.

On the other hand, I get paid. Cha-Ching!

That is a massive pro right there (yes now this is a pro and con list, shuddup.) Is that the only pro there is?

It’s the only one that matters.

I kid, of course, money isn’t everything. The job I’m going to be starting would, ideally, give me a lot of great experiences working with different groups of people, and dealing with various departments. It’s going to be challenging, and I don’t think I’m going to enjoy it very much for the first few weeks, given my total absence of mental stimulation the past few months. I’m going to have a LOT to learn and a very short time to learn it in. But once that learning curve stabilises, I’d like to think I’d have a lot to contribute to the workplace, and in return, my own skillset would grow, and grow fast.

So with the pros and cons listed out, what’s next?

The anticipation. The trepidation. The fear of not being to do the job well. All these come with anything you do/try for the first time.

Do, or do not. There is-

You do NOT quote Yoda to me, inner voice.

Getting back on topic, I am of course worried if I’ll be able to handle the pressures of the situation. Whether I’ll be good enough for the job to be able to do it well and be recognised. Recognition is, of course, important. More than that, though, I want to know I’m getting better at the job, mainly because I want to develop my skills, as previously mentioned.

Of course, there is something to be said about just throwing all your worries out the window, closing your eyes and hoping for the best.

So let’s see if that works.

Till next time, I suppose. Though when next time will be, I know not for certain.

Posted in Reflections, Updates | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Change is Hard

It’s a Thursday, and I know I said I’d update on my progress every Sunday but that’s why the title is relevant.

The first week went alright, I was up every morning doing the workout unless it happened to be a rest day, but given the fact that one workout is every other day (Monday, Wednesday, Friday every week) and the other has every 4th day as a rest day, not many times I got to sleep in.

The trouble started only this week. And it has to do with late nights. I told myself I’d be up early every morning to complete my workout, and for the first week it was ok. This week, Sunday night I was out late, and Monday started with a bit of a hangover. I still did my workout that night, but since then it’s been not as early as it should be. Afternoon or nights. I get it done but it’s not optimal.

Hence the title of this post.

Crap, not even 2 weeks in and I’m already sensing failure.

It boils down, again, to laziness. It’s so much easier to just postpone the workout, or to stay in bed. Snooze your alarm, turn around, go back to sleep. Throw your phone out the window.

I was at a Commander’s Cohesion last Friday and struck up a conversation with a friend of mine and an amazing sprinter, Hua Qun. I told him how difficult it would be once I started work and he sympathised, but his advice was simple: Get up and do it.

That’s been tough for me this week. I’ve failed in getting off my butt and doing my workout with discipline, and I have only myself to blame.

I’m going to adopt a mantra, and I’m now commanding my inner voice(s?) to scream it at me every morning and at constant intervals throughout the day. That mantra is

Don’t be lazy Ganesh.

This isn’t meant to be easy. It’s not meant to be comfortable. And I need to stop acting like it’s ok to fail. It’s not. Yes, there’s a certain level of comfort in the fact that dude you still did the workout anyway it’s not like you completely skipped it you deserve praise for that at least, you should take it easy on yourself here have a burrito because that’s not what I promised myself.

Change is hard. You don’t always have other people to hold yourself accountable to, and at the end of the day you’re the only one that YOU always have to answer to. The temptations are everywhere. It’s easy to congratulate yourself for the small victories.

But I’m not doing that. I’m going to hold myself to a higher standard, and this time I’m going to meet those standards. I’ll fail, time and time again, and I’m going to bitch about it to myself and beat myself up, because it’s not ok to fail. But ultimately, I’m going to get back up and go again.

But ultimately, I’m going to get back up and go again.

The past 3-4 days have been tough. They’re not going to get any easier, and here’s where the mood of this post takes on a bit more of a positive note.

I finally got a job, after 8 months of searching. I signed the paperwork yesterday and I start on Monday. While I am ecstatic about the prospect of FINALLY starting work, I’m also scared by the prospect of waking up even earlier to workout, and the loss of freedom that being jobless offers.

But I’m happy, at the end of the day. Happy because I no longer have to doubt myself. Not for a while at least. Those doubts won’t ever go away completely. But at least I get a brief respite.

Getting up is going to be the hardest part of my day from now on.

But that just means I get the toughest thing out of the way the second I start my day.

So

Don’t be lazy Ganesh.

Here we go.

Posted in Reflections, Updates | Leave a comment

We Stand Resolute.

This be part 2 of the Resolutions series, helmed by none other than yours truly. From here on out, maybe once a week on Sundays, I’m going to chronicle my triumphs and failures as I embark on this journey. So here’s entry 1: Expansion.

I basically want to expand on my previous entry in terms of the first resolution that I mentioned. I said I want to be more disciplined, and broke it down into 3 sub-goals: Dance, Health, and Personal. So here’s the elaboration, for all 0 of you who asked.


 

1.Health

I have a penchant for unhealthy food. I used to just eat whatever I wanted, on account of the fact that my metabolism was insane. Well, that’s no longer true.

I’ve started putting on weight, something I never thought I’d have to worry about. My stomach is now flabbier, and it’s legitimately gotten harder to fit into some clothes. I could chalk it up to my relatively more sedentary lifestyle ever since graduation, but it’s time also to accept the fact that my metabolism is definitely slowing down. And also that I’m at an age where I need to start considering what goes into my body.

To that end, I’m cutting down on the number of times I eat fast food. I’m going to be going to food courts and ordering healthier foods, and buying healthy snacks rather than the junk I always did. Less soft drinks, too. My addiction to Mountain Dew is well known to most, as is my love for sugary drinks. Well, that love is one I need to let go off.

All these changes aren’t going to be easy to make overnight, but I think it ultimately comes down to discipline. Preparing my mind and my body for a different kind of lifestyle, one that involves me being happier with my body.

This then leads me to the other part of health-related discipline. I’m going to start working out. Not like insane workouts, but just something to lose my love handles before they become serious, and at the same time try to get more upper body strength. I’ve got a routine already, it’s just a matter of keeping to it. So yeah. Here’s to a better looking, healthier me.

2.Dance

I’m going to devote more time to making myself a better dancer. I want to take time to explore my own body and how I move. I’m going to put more time into conditioning, stretching, and basics. There is a specific workout that I’ve developed for myself, to accomplish this, but due to potential time restraints, I don’t think the results will be obvious anytime soon. But I’m ok with that. I’m learning to be patient again, to enjoy the journey.

I also want to choreograph more, watch more, and feel more. I want to think less. All of this, unfortunately, means I may not be able to go for classes as often as I’d like to in the short run, but I feel that it will be worth it in the long run.

I do have songs I’ve been choreographing to, just that I haven’t been able to video them down. I’m working out ways to get videos out, so hopefully that happens as well. But this is, in summary, what I have planned for myself for the year ahead as a dancer. I have other goals, of course, but those aren’t resolution-related, so that’s for another time.

3.Personal

This is the biggest challenge for me, more so than my health and dance related issues, primarily because I feel that this is the most fundamental level of discipline I struggle with and simultaneously, the easiest. If I could just make myself more disciplined on a personal level, I think it would be SO much easier to achieve my other goals.

Also, I’m not very organised, in that I’m constantly forgetting things. Be it names, faces or events, anything really, I’ve forgotten SO many things over the years. Then, a few weeks ago, I read something along the lines of how if your personal space is organised, then your mind will slowly follow suit.

Well, it’s worth a shot. So I’m going to keep my personal life organised, from my space (my room) to my life (events and stuff). I think this will be the most challenging thing I’ve ever done simply because it’s so easy to relapse and become lazy and not bother about picking up the clothes that are on my bed and whatnot, but I’ve got to try. I always procrastinate, saying it’ll take me like 10 seconds, but then it builds up and before you know it 10 seconds becomes 2 hours of cleanup. With a shovel.


Well, there you have it, elaboration on my goals for the year. There has been a lot of thought put into this post, and there are other things I’d like to accomplish as well, but for now I either don’t have enough information to plan for those goals or they require other things to happen first, so I’m doing what I can for the things in my control. Everything else, can wait.

This is not going to be an easy year. But if I can stay on track, stay focused, then it’s going to be one hell of a rewarding one. So let’s go.

 

Posted in Reflections, Updates | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

New Year, New Beginning… Again.

So, a year ago, I tried to revive this blog. A year later, I am reviving it again. It seems almost like this in itself is a ritual, a habit that has been cultivated through the feeble mind of someone desperate to practice writing yet simultaneously too lazy to actually do anything about it.

So I try again. Here I am, day 1 of 2016, bidding you readers a fine hello. telling you that this year is going to be different when it’s far more likely that the exact same thing is going to happen.

So why? Why keep doing it? Why keep convincing myself that THIS TIME it’s going to be different, and THIS TIME I’m going to be better, all phrases and songs that I have sung before?

Because we have to. We have to keep trying, despite the countless failures we have endured and the countless more we are sure to endure. We are the delusional ones, we have to be. The ones who think that somehow, things can be different from every other time. That somehow they can succeed where others have failed.

Now I’m not pompous enough to say that I’m a greater fool, or that I am what a country is built on, but I am going to be crazy enough to say that I want to be. I want to try to succeed where others have failed. In this case, the others are still me, just my previous attempts. But I can succeed this time, because there is a magical power that is granted at the start of a new year, one that gives people the ability to spout ambitious dreams to the world and then laugh about it when the dreams fail, because it’s just a New Year’s Resolution and those are meant to fail right? Well, not these.

These New Year’s Resolutions are made, not because it’s the new year, but because they have to be made. Because as I enter a new phase of life, I can no longer simply coast on the coattails of previous phases, and live life the way I’ve been living it. Enough is enough, and I have to make some changes. So here we go, 2016. This is my year. This is the year that I change my life.


New Year’s Resolutions 2016:

1. Be More Disciplined.

This can be so broad, but I want to break it down into 3 categories: Dance, Health, and Personal. For each of these categories, I have certain goals that I want to achieve. There will be further posts, over the next few days, to elaborate on the goals, but for now, sufficing to say, I will be more disciplined.

2. Keep In Touch Better

This goes almost without saying, but I do feel like I have spent far too long a time neglecting my friends. I’m the absolute worst when it comes to replying to messages and keeping in touch, and I can sort of see how that could be taken as me not caring enough to keep in contact and stuff. It’s really not that I don’t want to keep in contact with people, I’m just terribly lazy and bad at replying to messages or initiating gatherings and stuff. So this resolution has to do with that. I’m going to take initiative to show the people who matter, that they matter. I care about my friends, and it’s time I showed it.


So there you have it, my 2 resolutions for this year. As I mentioned, there are sub parts to the first one, but those will be covered in subsequent days. I will be tracking my own progress in this blog, so expect to see more posts about my resolutions.

Also, I need your help, whoever has taken the time to read this far. I lose motivation very easily, I become lazy far too quickly for it to be healthy, so all I’m asking for is this: If you happen to come across a visual medium of motivation, be it a video, or a comic (Like the ones at ZenPencils, but I already subscribed to this so no count) or somthing along those lines, please do share it with me. I may need it at some point. Any motivational material would be extremely beneficial, and I’ll be compiling the stuff that helped me most into a post (maybe) at the end of this year. So I ask for your help in this aspect, and thanks in advance..

With that, I’ve come to the end of this post, and the beginning of a new year, and a new point in my life. I’m anticipating the next few weeks of struggle and failure, because no doubt I will fail in some way or the other. But I’m going to keep trying.

Because I’m a fool.

 

Posted in Reflections | Tagged , | 1 Comment

This is My Fight Song.

A post like this is not one that is made lightly. It’s not one to be publicised, or advertised, in any way. So I didn’t.

It’s not easy for a person to stand up and say that he or she is not alright. That he or she is struggling. And the truth is, I am. I’m struggling mentally and emotionally. Physically I’m pretty okay for now (other than a bit of persistent flab around the midsection), but otherwise it hasn’t been easy.

I am fully aware that there are people who have it far worse than me, who are in indescribable situations and are afflicted with horrific diseases or whatnot, and I’m not saying that my problems are in any way worse than theirs.

At the same time, that does not make my issues magically go away, knowing that there are people who are worse off than me. It does not magically feel like the way I’m feeling is nothing to be sad about, or worried about, because my issues are in my head.

It does not make me better, knowing that there are worse hands that life has dealt to others.

What exactly these issues are, are not important right now. Just know that if you see me down, or quiet, or staring at nowhere in particular, that I’m not ok, but I will be. Maybe a quick “it’ll get better” or “hang in there,” I’d appreciate that. I need nothing more.

Because

This is my fight song
Prove I’m alright song
Take back my life song
My powers turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight son
And I don’t really care
If nobody else believes
Cause I’ve still got
A lot of fight left in me

Posted in Uncategorized

The Immense Hole Caused by the lack of Alternates.

Something I’ve neglected to mention to people recently is that I have lost a key part of my life. The loss of this key was one of those “You don’t realise till it’s gone” moments in my life, of which I’ve had many. Yet this one was almost subtle in its passing, a gradual decline. My reaction to its slow removal from my life was anything but subtle. Frantic panic, pleading, bargaining, promises to do better, and the inevitable cursing (OH GOD the cursing) were all par for the course. It’s demise was inevitable, inexorably inching closer with every passing moment, reminding every one that was aware of its passing of the ultimate futility of life, how fleeting it is, and how important it is to be present in the moment.

Let’s just ignore the fact that I am here, on a Saturday night.

That small key was always lurking, a crucial part of my life. It helped in so many aspects of my life, assisted me in so many tasks. It helped me focus, yet still retained the big picture. It let me decide what I wanted to do, and yet made sure I closed those doors (not sure if this is the right phrasing, maybe windows would be better) whose rooms I hadn’t occupied in a while. Needless to say, when it left my life, I was at a loss. I searched for alternatives which would serve the same function, but somehow… It never felt the same. It doesn’t feel the same. It’s almost the same, but not quite.

The truly strange thing is, I can probably bring that key part of me, back to life. It would probably not take much out of me at all. But despite this, I don’t. Primarily because the loss of this key forced me to appreciate how short and wonderful life is. It made me realise that the beauty of life is in the moments, captured almost unexpectedly, when you aren’t ready. The death of this key made me appreciate my life, and I feel like if I were to revive it the impact of that lesson may be lost on me. So I don’t. Instead I languish with a poor replacement, dwelling on the past and forever nostalgic about the “good ol’ times.” Some may say that I’m being overindulgent, some may say that I can make myself remember the lesson even with the replacement. Truth be told, I’m not even entirely sure of my own reasons. It could be everything I’ve typed above.

Or I could just be too lazy to try and fix/replace the ALT key on my laptop keyboard.

Whatever, I’ll figure something out.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment